struggling

okay- need to kind of journal my thinking here for a bit.

I am having a hard time with the idea of my business class right now. okay, actually for over a week now. To begin with I was really psyched about it. I was loving the idea of a holistic community center. I still am. It pulls together all sorts of things that intrigue me and pull me.
Could it hold the ADD me for longer than a short while? Yes, I think so as it would be a maleable thing in many ways. I had journaled about doing it, and it is so right in so many ways. I was spinning in fabulous energy.

But... it was too big for me to do by myself. I am not a solitary person in too many ways. Taking the class and finding the time to do all of the work, and starting the center on my own.... no.... don't really have it in me to bite off that big a chunk alone.

So, last Monday I went in to class having shifted to doing the henna business. And it just feels somehow dissapointing. Yes, I can handle the workload now, as it is far less. But reality.... I feel it's not enough for this class.

And I know me, the henna will keep me sucked in for a while, but then it will be something that I am only doing for a bit. I tend to think it will be like my knitting..... which is always good, but it is something I do for a bit and make a sweater or two, then burn out, then get back to it a few months later.

So where does that leave me at the moment? not really sure. I want to be proud of what I create. I want an income, not just a little something on the side. I want something I love and will love for ages.

I have been thinking that I should do this class and use my tea business. But that's not right either, as I really feel like I need to be done with my tea business for now. It is another job where I work alone. Completely. I'm a shipper. Doesn't matter that I am passionate about the tea.

So, I think if I were to take this course for the henna, it would be a waste. $650 to develop something that is fine to do by the seat of my pants? no. To do it for the holistic community center would be great...when I find someone to do it with, and more is right, as the clas sis for developing a business, not 'just a class'. To do the class for my tea business isn't right either. I think it would be just spending a ton of time and money trying to salvage something that isn't right, and that I don't want to really do anymore. It would just be using it to do the class. I think right now it woud not be good.

I do want to make some money to call my own. I also still have young kids that need attention from me. I also need to be doing something I really want to do. So somehow I need to figure that piece out, and not let go of the fabulous energy that I have had going for a bit. I will keep spinning, and find something that is good. I have been sending good energy out into the universe, and I have faith that something right is there to find me.